Right away, I need to insert a caveat. Couples need to fight. There will soon be a blog specifically about that topic. In this particular section of the world wide web, however, we’re going to stay focused on couples who fight more than they actually need to. Is this you? If so, take heart, conflict shows you care. It also shows that you are handling your passion less effectively than you can. Satisfied couples use a few techniques that increase effective communication. Here are three areas to focus on so that your difficult conversations with your spouse are more productive.
1. Choose your Battles Wisely
Don’t bring up everything that hurts you. It’s hard for your spouse to hear they’ve done something that hurts you and they will naturally defend themselves. You aren’t likely to get a positive response when you bring up painful things. Consider what it’s like when someone tells you that you’ve done something wrong. Yeesh. Those are rarely my best moments.

Ask yourself these questions:
- Is this the first time this has happened?
- Could there be another perspective on what happened?
- Is this a matter of personality?
- Am I easily hurt (say on a weekly basis)?
- Did I have any part in what went down?
If your answer is yes to any of these questions, consider not bringing up the situation. There are other ways to handle the situation that may be more effective. For instance, focusing on all the positive things your spouse has done, or apologizing for your own part in the situation. Spouses that are satisfied realize that they do their own share of hurting and work toward letting go of hurts done to them.
2. Stop the Blame
I’ve noticed that couples that fight more than they need to often use blame statements. As soon as one spouse blames the other, the other defends themselves (and often strikes a counter-blame as part of the defense). “I do not ignore you! And you’re the one who walks away!” These are fun conversations, aren’t they? The couples that I work with in counseling rarely realize that they actually sparked the fire with a blame statement.
When I do marriage counseling, I notice we commonly share our feelings as a way to blame our spouse. Consider these phrases:

- I feel abandoned.
- I feel disrespected.
Can you hear the implied blame? “You abandoned me!” or “You disrespected me.” For couples that fight more than necessary, these comments are like bullets. The other person is bound to defend themselves: “I did not abandon you!” “I wasn’t disrespectful!” And off we go to the races.
I can guarantee you that these conversations don’t end with a smile.
When you fight with your spouse and after everyone has gone to their own corner, do some serious reflection on what you said. Was there a blame statement disguised as a feeling? (Answer: Probably.) Now is the time to own your experience.
3. Own Your Experience
I’ve often heard the phrase: “Speak your truth.” I do not like this phrase. (Hey! I’m just speaking my truth!!) Here’s why I do not like this phrase: A) We can only speak our perspective. To say that my perspective is truth… well, you can see how that might spark an argument. B) The phrase is often used to justify bad behavior, like when someone has said something insensitive or hurtful, and their spouse balks. This is the moment I hear, “I have to speak my truth!” No… no you don’t.
Instead of speaking your truth, own your experience. Owning our experience means figuring out what I am experiencing without reference to someone else. Here are some examples:

- My head is spinning.
- I’m confused.
- I’m at a loss.
- I am disappointed.
- I don’t like how this feels.
- I’m hurt.
*Most people start with “I’m frustrated” or “I’m angry.” These are usually covers for something that’s deeper (and more important!). If you start with frustration, fine, but take a little bit more time and try to figure out the emotion that’s under the anger.
Once you have a sense of your own experience (without blaming your spouse), you can figure out what needs to be done. You can share it with your spouse, or you can decide that you’ve got to do some other work first. If the essence of my experience is that I’m sad about an interaction I had with my kid, then I might need to go apologize to my kid before I unleash on my spouse about how we’re failing as parents. I’m dealing with the most real thing instead of it going sideways onto my spouse.
Owning our experience is much harder and takes more internal work for most of us. It’s far easier to say, “You don’t want to be with me!” than to say, “I feel vulnerable right now.” Laughably easier. But it is 98% more likely that you will get a better (less combative) response from your spouse if you can own and share your experience. (And, yes, I just made up that statistic, but you get the gist of what I’m saying.)
Can’t Stop?
If you can’t stop any of these behaviors, there may be something deeper going on in you. Are you avoiding closeness and warmth? This sounds ludicrous, but closeness and warmth is a vulnerable place to be. Trust is risky. It is not uncommon for some of us to use conflict to avoid closeness. Nevertheless, this avoidance would be something to tackle with your friends or in therapy. Good friends or therapists can teach you how to take steps toward trust and challenge you to practice these steps in your relationship.
Consider talking about this topic with the purpose of addressing your fears, fighting less, and becoming closer to your spouse.
