I have been thinking a lot about personality differences between spouses. These differences are pretty stable over time and can cause couples so much angst. One common difference is in how we approach life: actively or passively. I believe there is a way to face these differences redemptively. Read on to learn more.
This personality difference I learned late in life…Correction: I am learning late in life. In a sermon my pastor made a distinction between people who approach life with an active orientation and people who approach life with a passive orientation. He was clear that one is not better than the other, they are just different. At that moment, I had an epiphany! My husband and I fit these two descriptions to a tee, that much was obvious. The epiphany came, however, when I realized that my husband is not wrong or bad for having a different approach than I do. It’s simply different. Albeit, it’s annoying or frustrating at times, but ultimately, my husband is made different than I am. (Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?!) Since I’ve been able to let go of how wrong my husband is, I have been able to accept and learn about how he thinks. I’ve even tried to emulate his mysterious ways.
This personality difference comes up consistently and significantly in couples I work with: an active versus a passive approach to life. Here are some descriptions of what this can look like.
Individuals with an active approach act in order to make thing happen or stop things from happening. They look into the future to predict problems and seek to prevent those problems. They ask questions, and question answers. Folks who naturally have an active approach to life tend to be driven and achievement-oriented. A guiding belief is, “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.”
For example, someone with an active approach will look at the calendar at least one day in advance (at least) to see where they need to be the next day. They will consider or research how long it will take to travel to a destination and plan their day accordingly. They will determine a time to leave so they will have enough time to get to the destination when they are supposed to be there. Then they will make sure they have everything ready so they can leave at this predetermined time. Hold this thought.
Individuals who naturally have a passive approach to life observe and accept what happens. They are more laid back and wait to see what will unfold. Their focus is less on what’s happening or what’s about to happen and more on other things that are more important to them. A guiding belief is, “Things will probably work out.”
Let’s go back to the example above. A person with a passive approach does not necessarily plan ahead for their day – each new day has enough trouble of its own. They will probably wake up in enough time to get to where they need to be. They have a general time frame that they assume will be enough to get to their destination. They will leave… when they are ready to leave. If they are late to their destination, they believe it will be ok and really, “is 15 minutes really late?” These folks mean no disrespect, they simply don’t see a problem that needs to be solved.
Like I said, one approach is not better than the other approach. Before you disagree (because I know you active folks out there are already disagreeing with me!), there are advantages and disadvantages to both ways of life. Understanding the disadvantages of our own approach makes it a little easier to clothe ourselves with humility, and therefore accept our spouse as who God made them to be.
Active Approach: Advantages and Disadvantages
These people get things done. Active approachers (AAs) tend to have an internal locus of control. A locus of control is a way to describe where we place responsibility. A person with internal locus of control sees themselves as responsible. If I’m late, it was my fault and I’m responsible for any problems that arise from my being late. People with an internal locus of control (AAs) often accomplish much in life because they believe that whatever happens is because of something I’m doing or not doing. So they are highly motivated to put forth positive effort, which can lead to positive outcomes. The saying, “It is better to try and fail than to fail to try,” was said by someone with an active approach to life.
On the other hand, some disadvantages of having active orientation is that they tend to be a little more…. Oh, how shall we say…stressed….anxious….neurotic? These character traits can result from consistently scanning the environment for problems that need to be solved. They can get stressed because they believe the outcome depends upon them, and them alone. It is not uncommon for AAs to become overwhelmed with life. And in the midst of this way of life, they can get angry when their efforts aren’t effective, acknowledged, or appreciated. It is typical for AAs to become controlling or demanding to get other people in their lives to act, for heaven’s sake! In fact, another disadvantage of having an active approach is that others may interpret your way of life to mean their performance is their only value.
Passive Approach – Advantages and Disadvantages
Ah, let’s first just take a deep breath because that’s what it can feel like when you are with someone who takes a more passive approach to life. They are more relaxed, more optimistic (things are going to work out, remember?). Because they aren’t actively scanning the environment for problems to solve, they tend to be more even keel. And, the truth is that things often do work themselves out without intervention. When we intervene too quickly, we can cause more problems (e.g. side effects, drama), and PAs avoid these extra problems naturally. The book, Procrastinate on Purpose by Rory Vaden was written to explain the ways of the PA. (If you are a PA, don’t bother reading the book…you’ve got it down!)
Now let’s turn our focus to some advantages and disadvantages of our passive approachers (PAs).
Conversely, PAs tend to have an external locus of control. This means that they see things outside of themselves as being responsible for what happens in life (luck, timing, other people, etc). While there is truth that external forces influence what happens, folks with external locus of control are less motivated to act, meaning they certainly won’t experience some positive outcomes (read Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell for more on this idea). PAs can also feel powerless to change their circumstances (since they see it as depending on external forces).
Just like active folks, PAs do feel stress. However, instead of feeling some stress all along, the pressure comes at the last minute when things have not worked out the way they anticipated. These moments are punctuated with high stress and can lead PAs to get others to act on their behalf. Thus, another disadvantage of having a passive approach is that others may feel manipulated or used in order to get things done.
You can see how a person would be attracted to one of these personality types, can’t you? The driven person is drawn to the laid back person. The relaxed person admires the disciplined person. That is, until they live together and do life together and go on vacations together. Then things start to go wonky. Opposites attract, and then they attack.
If your spouse has one of these personality types and it frustrates you – acceptance is the only way forward. Efforts to get a passive person to consistently act will make you so frustrated. And efforts to make an active person relax over the long haul will be fruitless. Acceptance of the activity or passivity of your spouse is essential to a peaceful marriage.
Accepting your Spouse’s Active or Passive Approach
Acceptance of an active or passive approach has a few layers.
- If I’m frustrated, acknowledge I’m the one with the problem.
This is classic boundaries: if I have a feeling, it is mine and I’m responsible to deal with it. If I’m frustrated that I’m always working and overwhelmed by responsibilities, I’m the one with the problem. If I’m frustrated that my spouse never sits on the couch with me, I’ve got the problem. When we are frustrated, it can be so very easy (so unbelievably easy) (truly it’s ridiculously easy) to look over at the person next to us and point the finger and say that they are the one with the problem (they aren’t doing enough, they are stressing themselves out, etc.). The first layer of acceptance is to stop blaming the person we married for our own frustrations. Your spouse being actively or passively oriented isn’t a problem – they are simply made different than you. If I’m frustrated, I’ve got to do something about it in me.
- Change my expectations to match reality.
If I am a high-achieving, high-energy spouse and I expect my passive spouse to keep up with me in order to maintain connection, I’m going to be disappointed and lonely. If I am a PA and I expect my fast-paced spouse to just know that I want them to snuggle and watch a movie tonight, I’m going to be sitting there alone. One way we work toward acceptance is to adjust our expectations to match reality – which includes whether our spouse is an AA or PA. After having read this article, you can imagine that it would be silly to expect my PA spouse to initiate a difficult conversation or for my AA spouse to enjoy a trip without plans and contingency plans. The more we can adjust our expectations to fit our spouse’s personality, the more we will accept them for who they are.
- Accept responsibility to change my own actions.
As we stop blaming our spouse and we start adjusting our expectations, we may come to see our own behavior as less than optimal. I, as an AA spouse, might realize that I’m allowing anxiety to rule my health and contentment. If I am able to withstand from blaming my spouse, if I have shifted away from expecting my spouse to make my anxiety go away – I actually might feel compelled to confront my anxiety and do something about it (something other than controlling or overcompensating). I might plan more margin in my life, or find some coping skills to deal with the anxiety when it arises.
On the other hand, I, as a PA spouse might find dissatisfaction in a chaotic situation. If I can hold back from blaming my spouse for not making it work out better, if I have shifted away from expecting my spouse to clean up the mess that was made, I might think, “I wonder if I contributed to that chaos.” I might gather information or communicate with others despite my certainty that all will proceed as I envision it in my mind. (Important for active spouses: don’t allow your PA spouse’s failure to act motivate you to act. As long as you act for your spouse, your passive spouse will have no reason to learn a different way of living.)
Grief and Gratitude
Acceptance can be a painful process because it often includes grief. If I accept that my spouse has lower energy or less motivation than I do, my kids may not have experiences that I had hoped them to have. If I accept that my spouse is neurotic and worries about everything, I may not experience a spouse that simply accepts my ideas without 50 clarification questions. (Note to my husband: Sorry babe. That’s just not in the cards for you.) There is loss in acceptance, but this loss is rooted in reality. When we fight against reality, we’ll get stuck in anger and blame. Grieving our loss allows us to move forward.
Moving forward then looks like gratitude. Believe it or not, you can be grateful for your spouse’s personality – active or passive. You can reflect on why you were drawn to your spouse in the first place. Usually there is an element of PA or AA in there. You can also reflect on the advantages of your spouse’s personality trait that benefits you or your family even now. For instance, PAs usually allow for some downtime in which you can have quality time with each other. AAs allow a level of planning that can sustain extracurricular activities and social involvements. We have much to be grateful for.
Work on accepting your spouse, even the PA or AA in them. It will lead to good things (not always happy thing, but good things).
