We are born with many personality traits. In psychologist circles, we talk about the “Big 5” personality traits that have been found in just about every study on personality. These 5 traits include openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Personality theorists insist that we are born with some level of these 5 traits. In general, these personality traits remain pretty stable over our lifetime.
In marriage counseling – a place where I help folks stay attached – certain traits are more relevant to our work. Conscientiousness is one of those traits. In addition to being hard to spell, it can be hard to define. According to the internet (the source of all truth), conscientiousness is the desire to do what is right, to do our work well, to be thorough. I think of it in terms of being responsible. Conscientiousness implies being aware: to be conscientious is to be aware that there is work to be done, to be aware that there is a better way to do things, and to be aware if I am doing something well.
Someone who is conscientious is likely to do their homework, to consistently perform at work, to remember their spouse’s birthday, to keep a clean home, to respond promptly to texts, to rotate their tires on schedule, to keep organized finances… Can you see how this trait permeates all of life? They see what needs to be done, they do it, and they do it well. Folks who are stronger on the conscientiousness scale put aside their own desires in order to do what is expected.
Spectrum of Conscientiousness
We all fall somewhere on a spectrum of conscientiousness. Some of us are strongly conscientious, some of us are less so. God enjoys diversity (and I think He enjoys our shock when we discover others are different than us!). I find it helpful to think of conscientiousness as the midpoint of a scale from 0 to 10.

Let’s talk about extremes first. People who are at a 10 would be extremely conscientious: they could be described as rigid, anal, perfectionist, workaholics. Doing the right thing becomes compulsive instead of motivated by love. Other people fall at 0. They are extremely non-conscientious. People extremely low in conscientiousness are described as irresponsible, unreliable, and lazy. You can already see that the more extreme we are, the more difficulty we will have. The extremes are where we tend to see more diagnosable mental health and relational problems. Most people, however, live between the extremes.
Between the extremes there is a beautiful spectrum of difference that is useful for living a full life.

Now let’s talk about folks who fall between the extremes on the conscientiousness spectrum. We’ll call people who are between a 5 and 9 on the conscientiousness scale HC (higher conscientiousness) and folks who fall between a 1 and 5 LC (lower conscientiousness). Since these traits are not likely to change much (personality traits are mostly stable), marriage counselors often help spouses accept each other’s personality traits. Acceptance is easier when we can see the positive in our spouse’s traits. The truth is: both HC and LC people have pros and cons.
I described above some positives of being HC. LC people also have advantages: they tend to be more relaxed, casual, informal, spontaneous, and free-spirited. They are usually less aware of expectations. LC folks may not even be aware that there is work that needs to be done, they may not be aware that they are doing a poor job – or even that there is an expectation to do better. While this may sound like a negative to HC folks, it’s not. When we aren’t overly attuned to cultural expectations, we can develop a life based on values that are truly important. Think of how people on their deathbeds always place more importance on relationships (not more time getting things done). LC people are more likely to live in the reality of what is actually important throughout their life and not have to be on their deathbed before they realize what is important.
Our HC and LC nature is also flavored by our other personality traits (are we also highly neurotic? Are we also introverted?) and by our preferences and other realities. An LC person may find motivation to do well in one area of life because they enjoy it so much. An HC person may do well relationally because they are also highly extroverted. Truly, our differences are far more complex than I am proposing here – but this is a blog and not an academic paper so work with me here.
Opposites Attract, and Then They Attack
Already you can see why an HC person would be drawn to an LC person, can’t you? Maybe the HC college student was studying all the time and the LC person invited them to have lunch. Maybe the LC employee was worried about losing their job and the HC person motivates the LC person to improve their performance. And love blossoms!
At first HC people enjoy the freedom and fun that an LC person brings them, but once married, they can become resentful that the LC person isn’t more responsible. The more HC they are, the more unthinkable it is to be LC.

•Take a day off for sickness? That’s for the weak.
•Watching a show before the dog is walked? Who would be so delinquent?
•A full voicemail box? Insanity!
LC people balk against the structure that HC spouses require in order to feel ok.

•Stop badgering me about getting a job, I’ll figure it out.
•My friend was a hot mess, I had to take her out for a drink.
In marriage counseling, I tend to see couples who have one HC person and one LC person.
What I refer to as a “beautiful spectrum of difference” is, in reality, maddening. The idea of HC and LC people living together for 50 years or more is hard to imagine. We rub each other raw with what comes natural to us. We expect others to think, feel and behave like we do. When they don’t live up to our expectations, we make them pay for the disappointment we feel.
What I hear from HC people: I need to get him to do something.
What I hear from LC people: You need to get him to relax.
(I’m using one gender here, but you can plug in the gender that fits your situation. I start to overanalyze which gender I should use in a particular situation and then I get paralyzed and stop writing. Instead, I’m putting the burden on you to figure out who is who.)
I believe God brings HC and LC people together on purpose. We need someone who is more conscientious so things get done. We want kids to go to school, we want families to stay out of debt. We also want families to close the computer and look at each other. We want someone who will say, “Forget the dishes, let’s go sledding today!” (I know, my HC people reading this are thinking, “You can go sledding AND do the dishes!”)
Perspective Shift: Accepting the Other

I am talking about personality differences and describing the scale of 0 to 10 while looking at the whole scale from outside the scale. When we are in a relationship with someone, it’s as if we are standing on the line looking at our spouse from where we are at on the spectrum. When we look at our spouse from the angle we are at, we will always see the extreme. If I am at a 3 and my spouse is at a 6, from my angle, my spouse is the mixed together with the extreme 10. If I am at a 9 (very HC) and my spouse is a 6 (also HC, just not as much), from my angle, my spouse will look like the extreme of 0.
When our LC spouse is being more relational (and less productive), HC spouses will see them as lazy. When our HC spouse refers to the budget, an LC spouse will see the HC spouse as controlling. This is not fair to your spouse and it doesn’t exactly help you feel the warm closeness you want with your spouse (yes, you can say “amen” to that). The view we have of our spouse is based on our perspective.
In couples therapy, we work to see our spouse differently. Instead of placing them in the extreme end of the spectrum, we work to see them for who they really are. We work to see the positive in the difference. For instance, when my HC spouse is working late yet again, I can call him names and make conclusions about how he doesn’t care about the family. OR I can consider what he is doing for the family, how he is doing something that doesn’t come natural to me.
Conversely, when my LC spouse suggests we go out to dinner instead of having leftovers, I can consider him wasteful and unaware of our finances. OR I can enjoy his desire for me to relax with him and be pampered.
Again, I can hear my HC people say, “I can enjoy his desire AND still have leftovers to save money.” You are right (and proving yourself to be HC). If there is a way to enjoy the best of what we both offer the marriage, we have a win. There are some times when we can’t have both, but if we can see our spouse in a positive light, we still have a win.
Perspective Shift: Accepting Ourselves
I also help folks accept what they bring to the table in marriage. Many conscientious folks get so frustrated that their LC spouse seems unaware of what needs to be done. Yes, they are, in fact, unaware; it goes along with their LC personality. The truth is that if you are HC, you bring awareness with you to the marriage. If you are HC, you bring responsibility and follow-through to the marriage. If you are HC, you bring the ability to delay gratification to the marriage.

Higher conscientiousness is a gift that you offer your spouse.
You are the bearer of HC which is a burden at times, but is also a gift that avoids bankruptcy and chaos. Instead of trying to make your LC spouse more aware or more HC (which will lead to your own insanity), attempt to offer your HC traits as a gift to the relationship.
(I considered not writing about the gift that LC people offer because a) they probably haven’t made it this far in the post, and b) they aren’t concerned about living up to other’s expectations. But it feels unfair, so I will say a few words.)
LC people tend to be more relational and more tuned in to the present. They also tend to be less critical of others. It is a struggle when your spouse is criticizing you for not doing something correctly. It can feel hard to hold the “I’m always wrong” card, yet your ability to accept others (including your spouse) is a gift you bring to the marriage. Your ability to pull your spouse into relationship (when they are bent on working and doing) is essential to a long-lasting, close marriage.
Part of our reality is that we live with a person that is different than ourselves on the scale of conscientiousness. The more you can live in that reality – accepting what IS – the more strength and freedom you will experience. The more you can accept your spouse and understand their natural personality, the more you will enjoy each other and your marriage.
Give it a shot!