My daughter is writing a research paper on the problems that arise when folks aren’t able to delay gratification. Instead of waiting to read her final project (ha ha), I decided to write a bit about what I’ve seen in the therapy office. You may ask, “Do people come to you because they can’t delay gratification?” Yes, absolutely. And no, don’t be ridiculous. “Yes” because they come in for problems related to instant gratification (for example, emotional outbursts, overeating, addictions, relationship problems, and so on). “No” because I’ve never heard a client specifically requesting help with learning to delay gratification.
Yet all those problems I listed above are definitely related to the inability or unwillingness to delay gratification.
There is a delayed gratification muscle
Consider the muscle that is needed to do these things:
- When offered a pastry, to say, “No, thank you.”
- When feeling angry and tell yourself, “Don’t speak right now. Speaking out loud will only lead to bad things.”
- Wanting to feel good right now. Drugs and alcohol are truly reliable, but knowing their long-term outcomes are lousy, so choosing to sit in the bad feelings.
- Wanting to feel good, yet people are getting in the way of good feelings. Yet choosing to not control them to get them in line with your plans.
Instant Gratification Blocks Love
As I work to help folks stay attached to their people, I know instant gratification gets in the way of love. The inability to delay gratification enslaves us to our own desires and cuts off the possibility of loving others. Love requires that we put others’ well-being ahead of our own, the very essence of delayed gratification. Since love gives us life when we offer it, developing the muscle of delayed gratification seems rather important.
Self-Control
Essentially, we’re talking about self-control – the ability to say no to my self. Even more deeply, we’re talking about the willingness to feel pain. When we say no to ourselves, we willingly choose hunger, deficit, guilt, aloneness, sadness… some sort of pain that we prefer to avoid. We can all understand why someone would choose instant gratification. I, personally, am not a fan of pain.
Yet, pain is the direction we must head in order to develop this muscle of self-control. Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend wrote in How People Grow that unless you have experienced other-control (for example, parents who provided structure, rules and consequences), you won’t be able to exhibit self-control. If you didn’t get that kind of parenting, there’s still hope! (As I’m sure so many of you are clamoring to obtain more rules and consequences!) Cloud and Townsend recommend relationships that will hold you accountable (e.g. a small group, therapist, support group) to disciplined behavior. As you are accountable to others, you begin to practice lifting and controlling the unwieldy weight of self.
How to Build the Muscle
There are also plenty of tricks in the psychological field to help you build muscle in this area. Atomic Habits, by James Clear, gives lots of examples of how to reward yourself for doing disciplined behavior, little by little.
Ultimately, learning to delay gratification is part of a Christian’s walk with the Lord. James puts it this way: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4). Persevering through trials – when we say no to our SELF – can free us to love others so much more completely. It is the life to which we are called!