There’s this thing we humans do in relationships when we try to make sense of something some else has done: we go dark. We come up with a negative interpretation of the other person’s intentions. What’s more, our conclusion sounds logical, but it doesn’t take all of reality into consideration. Here are some examples:
- Why did my spouse make that decision? My spouse is selfish.
- Why did my boss send that email? My boss is punitive.
- Why didn’t my parents tell me about their appointment? Mom and dad aren’t considering me at all.
The fact is when someone else does something (or doesn’t do something), we do not know their thought process. (And quite honestly, the person acting or not acting doesn’t truly know why they do what they do! So there’s even more of a gap.) There is always a gap of information that leaves a vacuum. When there is a vacuum of information, we fill the space with negative.
I mean, how often do we come to these conclusions?
- My spouse thought long and hard about how to please me.
- My boss works hard to make sure the policies are fair.
- My parents are overwhelmed with the amount of medical care they need.
Yeah, not so often. If we came to these conclusions more naturally and regularly, the divorce rate would be lower, employee retention rates would be higher, and we would live closer to our parents. Right? Alas…
The real corker is negative interpretations are only able to be resolved by the person who holds them. If I believe my spouse is selfish, my spouse can’t change my mind by doing something different or explaining himself/herself. My mind will only see him or her as selfish (you can read about the confirmation bias here).
I have to be the one to change the negative interpretation.
What the…??
I know – it seems so much easier for our spouse, or boss, or parents to change. It would make it so clear if they would just do what we think they should so that we can think about them more positively again. But it just doesn’t work that way.
Which brings us to The solution to everything: We have to change how we think. (That, and we have to breathe. Seven years of doctoral education can be summed up by this truth: breathing makes everything better.) We have to intentionally expand the things we see in order to take more of reality into consideration.
- If you think your spouse is selfish, intentionally look for ways he or she is considering someone else.
- If you think your boss is punishing, push yourself to look for ways her or she talks kindly to someone.
- If you think your parents are inconsiderate, remember the 18 years you lived with them and they provided you warmth, shelter, and food. You know…the little things.
A little theological side note
(This got me to thinking about something…feel free to skip this paragraph if philosophy isn’t mind-candy to you.) A pastor friend of mine once told me, “All bad theology is a result of a logical fallacy.” We were talking about the problem of pain which attempts to explain the presence of pain in our universe along with an all-powerful, all-loving God. How can this be? The solution for some is to determine that God is either (a) not all-powerful and therefore cannot take away the pain or (b) He is not all-loving and doesn’t care to take away the pain. But reducing reality (the presence of pain and a good, powerful God) to one of these simple conclusions is a fallacy – it leaves some part of truth behind. Truth, which includes all of reality, is often a paradox because we don’t know the whole picture. There will always be parts of reality hidden from us.
Truth is often a paradox – we never know the whole picture.
(Ok, we’re heading back into practical land again.) Our negative interpretations are never based on the whole picture. We do not know what we do not know. As with all things in good living, this shift requires humility. We have to hold our conclusions loosely. Here are some humility statements to help loosen up a negative interpretation you might have.
- I might not be seeing this accurately.
- There might be some other explanation.
- There’s something I might not know here.
(Do you like how I use the word might? It’s a fun little trick because our brains don’t like to be directly contradicted – even if it’s our own brain contradicting itself. We humans are so fun.) Nevertheless, the word might keeps the door open to another possible interpretation.
Here’s God’s honest truth:
When my clients open this door to another possible interpretation, everything changes. They start to see the people in their life differently, they find they can trust people. They no longer live in fear and anger. Not surprisingly, they are easier to relate to. Everything changes.
Changing how we think, stepping into humility about our negative interpretations, intentionally looking for more information frees us up and fills us up. It really is the solution to everything.
Call me if you’d like to have me speak at your event about these kind of things!