Couples need to fight. And when I say fight, I don’t mean yelling, screaming, and name-calling. In fact, I really don’t mean any of those things. When I say fight, I mean engage. Couples need to engage about the differences in their relationship. My parents called it “having a discussion.” My siblings and I used to roll our eyes at that, because it sure sounded like a fight. It doesn’t matter what you call it – couples need to engage.
There are some couples that avoid conflict at all cost. This is a good way to get divorced. The divorce is eventual but inevitable. When we avoid conflict, we avoid the reality that comes with having two different people in one space. Spouses in relationships that avoid conflict have to hide or turn a blind eye to their or their spouse’s feelings, thoughts, and opinions. The relationship looks stable, but is actually on insecure footing.
The eventual divorce is confusing to most people around the couple because they had no idea the couple was unhappy. In fact, kids from marriages that split because the spouses avoid conflict are deeply disoriented and heartbroken. They have no idea why their world was blown up and they go through life thinking relationships can break apart at any moment without any cause. Those children don’t have a model for engaging in conflict so they don’t learn to deal with conflict on their own. As they become adults, they develop a fear that any conflict causes a breakdown in relationship and they end up perpetuating the cycle by again avoiding conflict.
Couples where one person avoids conflict are even more common than couples with two conflict-avoiders. Generally, one spouse wants to deal with differences in the relationship (aka face conflict), but the conflict avoider skirts issues, shuts down, or brings in humor (my favorite tactic). This is an interesting dynamic. As one spouse avoids conflict (to keep the peace), the other spouse amps up, gets louder, insists on talking about things. The more amped up the engager gets, the further away the avoider becomes. Of course, the further away the avoider pulls, the more insistent and demanding the engaging spouse becomes. I’ve noticed that the person avoiding conflict usually labels the other person as “crazy.” Super understandable, but also not the whole story.
If we are going to be in relationship, we have to face the reality that there will be differences. And difference means working things out. Here are some tips to stepping toward engaging with your spouse in honest ways. (If you are a spouse that naturally fights, these tips are not for you. Please refer to “Fight Less” blog.)
Self-disclose.
Being known is one part of intimacy. Pay attention to your internal reactions (feelings, thoughts, preferences). Learn to express your reaction to things that happen. For instance, “I like it when…” or “I don’t want…” or “I felt small when…” Importantly, learn to share your experience effectively. Saying, “I think… you’re a slob” doesn’t count.
Listen to your Spouse.
Knowing someone is another part of intimacy. Pay attention to your spouse’s internal experience (their feelings, thoughts, preferences). Accept the reality that your spouse has these experiences without talking them out of it or becoming defensive. Imagine catching their words in a baseball mitt and just holding the words there.
Work to Understand.
Accept that your experience will be different than your spouse’s experience. Try your best to understand why he or she feels that way. As your spouse shares more about their perspective, you get to know them more deeply (and vice versa). If you are thinking to yourself, “I know why they feel that way.” You are wrong. Believe me. This is 25 years of marriage counseling experience talking. Ask them – listen and learn.
Facing conflict can be scary. When we are in pain or when our spouse is in pain, we want to get out and get away as fast as we can. But pressing into differences is an opportunity to develop deeper security. Developing security in your relationship (knowing, being known, while loving and being loved) is a worthwhile goal with all sorts of good feelings.
