One of the ways I encourage folks to stay attached to their spouse is to accept them. When we get married, we are often under the illusion that our spouse is just right, exactly how they are. Within a couple years (or sooner), we realize they are off just a bit. By year four, we’re certain our spouse is off by a whole lot and there are a lot of things they need to do to change. Acceptance is key, especially in areas where our spouse is not likely to change. I talk about a number of areas where acceptance is essential in marriage, but my favorite to share is how we process: internally or externally.
Are you an Internal or External Processor?
Internal processors do this magical thing called thinking inside their head. If someone asks them a question, there is a pause while they think……………….. Then they answer. When an internal processor speaks out loud, they’ve thought it through. It’s not an idea they’ve had – it’s the idea they’ve chosen. If you’ve ever tried to get an internal processor to think out loud by asking, “Just tell me what you’re thinking.” It’s painful – they can’t do it. They have to think about and decide what thought to tell you about.
External processors think outside their head – if you ask an external processor a question, you’ll hear talking right away. It may not be the actual answer, but you’ll get words immediately. I’m an external processor – It’s taken me a couple decades to figure this out, but if I try to solve a problem on my own, inside my head – I get stuck. The moment I start talking about it – I figure it out. External processors think out loud.
Sometimes external processing people marry external processing people. Sometimes internal processors marry internal processors. Mostly, I find that a married couple includes one internal processor and one external processor. It’s often helpful because we benefit from the advantages of both. On the other hand, this requires spouses to understand a way of being that is not natural. In fact, it often doesn’t even sound possible. This is where acceptance comes into play.
What’s There to Accept?
There are some important implications of how this plays out in real life. For instance, when an internal spouse hears their external spouse share an idea, the internal spouse is likely to think that their external spouse has thought this idea through (because that’s their own natural bent). The internal spouse can get really concerned (read: terrified) that their external spouse is really planning to start a risky-sounding business with their combined life savings without further input. In truth, however, the external spouse is really just thinking out loud, dreaming even. The internal processor can learn to accept that their spouse is really saying, “Wouldn’t it be nice if…” Which means they can agree, “Yeah, it would be nice” before they start a financial separation agreement.
Another implication is that internal processors need time and quiet in order to think. The problem is that if there is quiet, external processors tend to fill the air space. (There is so much to think about!!!!) So while the external processor typically wants to hear what their internal spouse, they are inadvertently shutting them out by not allowing them to think about their answer. External spouses often get really angry at this point that their spouse is checked out. Part of staying attached in marriage is learning to accept that their internal processing spouse needs time and quiet. And if they really want to know what their spouse thinks, external processors will accept that conversations will take a few days (instead of a few minutes).
Nature Abhors a Vacuum
We all want our spouse to see us as good. We want to be the good guy, we want others to know that we have good intentions and that we’re doing good things for our family. Sometimes my dear internal processors, you find yourselves in the place where you have tried so hard to do something good, when you suddenly realize your spouse sees you as the bad guy! As though you’ve been doing everything wrong! This experience is shocking because it’s so opposite of everything you’ve been doing! Nothing more frustrating than this, am I right?
For my internal processors – here is a reality you need to remember – write it on the inside of your eyelids: In a vacuum of information, your spouse will fill the void with negative. When there is missing information or when there is quiet, your spouse will fill the quiet or missing pieces with negative information.
Let me give you an example of filling the void with negative. If your external processing spouse asks you a question, in general, you pause to think about it. In that gap – when you don’t immediately respond to the question – guess what your external processor spouse is thinking? “He doesn’t want to talk about it.” “She doesn’t care.” “He’s got nothing to offer.” Ask your external processing spouse – you’d be surprised. The truth is: In a vacuum of information, your spouse will fill the void with negative. Nature abhors a vacuum. I’m going to teach my internal processors a couple ideas on how to accept this reality and help you stay the good guy in your spouse’s mind.
TMI (Too Much Information)
In addition to wanting to be seen as good – we all want to be known. To really be understood. Sometimes my external processors, you find yourselves in a place where you try to explain more clearly, more precisely, more exactly what it’s like to be you, to describe what you’ve been through so that your spouse can really get you. But after a few tries you see your internal processing spouse blank out and disconnect right before our eyes. Instead of feeling understood, you feel like you’re losing them…they zone out. The more you explain to try to get them to reconnect, the more they fall away. So frustrating!!
Here is the reality for my external processors: In a firehose of information, your spouse will fatigue and fall away. It’s too much information! Your spouse can’t handle all the words. Importantly, they don’t know which words are your true opinions and which are just you thinking aloud. We as humans often remember the first thing we heard – it’s called the primacy effect. But the first thing external processors say is often not the most accurate – yes?
Your spouse doesn’t blank out because they are callous – they don’t know what to care about – there’s TMI! I’m going to teach you, my external processors, a couple ideas on how to accept this reality and help your spouse truly understand and known you. But first it’s the internal processors’ turn.
Duh.
My amazing Internal processors: Remember the reality that we’re faced with? In a vacuum of information, your spouse will fill the void with negative. The secret is in the vacuum – your spouse doesn’t know what you are thinking. Let me write that again because it’s hard to remember: Your spouse does not know what you are thinking. This is hard to remember, because it’s so obvious inside your head. It’s so obvious, you might even look at your spouse and think, “Duh.” (Of course, you would think it, not say it out loud.)
Internal processors can accept the reality that their spouse doesn’t know and that they will fill the void with negative by saying the obvious. Saying the obvious includes basics like, I love you, I want the best for you, I’m on your team. It’s so obvious it seems silly to say it, but the truth is that your spouse doesn’t know and in a vacuum of information, they’ll fill the void with negative.
When one spouse shares that they are feeling hurt, my internal processing spouses stay quiet, waiting. Then the couple will often look at me like, “Where do we go from here.” I’ll then ask my internal processing spouse – “Do you like it that they feel hurt?” Of course, the internal processing spouse says, “No! I think it’s awful that he’s hurting!” This one comment changes the entire course of the couple’s emotional connection. Yet this little comment seems so obvious, it rarely gets said out loud. Internal processors who accept that their spouse is a different human being are willing to share what’s going on in their mind.
Saying the obvious is a little like the engineering principle of “test early, test often.” It’s explaining why you are doing something (even though it’s incredibly clear to you) as a way to get feedback on your ideas so that you can make sure you’re still on the right track of pleasing your spouse – which I know is what you want! You might say (out loud) to your spouse “You said you wanted a break. So I’ve been thinking about how to get you a break. What about taking the weekend off, maybe going somewhere?” Then you get feedback.
Saying the obvious helps your spouse remember that you’re connected to them and to the situation. Saying the obvious reminds your external processing spouse to stop talking. (Quick reminder to external processors – your internal processing spouse cannot think if you are talking!. You’ve got to be quiet. Leave the room if you need to.) Even just saying, “Let me think about that” can be hugely helpful to your spouse.
Internal processors – right now – take a moment and think about 2 things you can say to your spouse that seem obvious but help them know you’re there with them.
In Summary…
Now, external processors, the reality was: In a firehose of information, your spouse will fatigue and fall away, so the gift you offer your spouse is to use your words to summarize. Summarizing your main point is a way to accept that your spouse cannot take in all your words (as beautiful and important as they all are!).
Here’s the rub – you’ll need to use some other outlets to process. Journal, talk with friends, talk into voice memos until you come to the heart of what you want to say. Then use your words to summarize and offer your spouse a gift of conciseness so they can stay close and really get you!
Let me give you some examples of summary words:
“My day was frustrating. A lot of things got in the way.”
“What’s really important to me is that we focus on saving money right now.”
“What I figured out is that I want you to just hug me when I’m feeling scared.”
“I’m feeling lonely.”
Do you see how these statements could draw your spouse in instead of blowing them away with sheer volume of words? It could! Their empathy could land on this one statement and you’d experience it. They might even ask questions! Ultimately, you’d be more likely to feel understood.
If you Choose to ACCEPT this Mission
Can you imagine if we all did this? What would our marriage be like if we each accepted our spouse just as they are? Internal spouses could offer the gift of saying the obvious – our spouses can relax, and build greater trust, not have to spend hours and hours ruminating about how you’re just a jerk! Instead, when both people know what the other is thinking, you can move together, as one, in the good direction that you intended all along!
External processors who want our spouse to understand us could summarize our inner workings and offer a gift of brevity. Our spouse would get it – really get the heart of what’s so important to us, they wouldn’t have to sift through, pay attention while the plane is circling the airport, and try to solve the mystery of “What is the point?!?!” We’d feel understood and heard and connected! Ah, so good!
Give it a shot. This week (the clock starts as soon as you finish reading this blog), I want my internal processors to say the obvious one time a day. I want my external processors to process somewhere else and summarize your internal reality for your spouse one time each day this week. See how good it feels to accept your spouse (and yourself!) for who you are!