The Problem with Shame....

Many books have been written about shame. Yet they all begin with the same problem: shame defies definition. Language fails to describe what is occurring (Kaufman, 1996). A root meaning of shame is to cover or envelop (Lynd, 1958, McClintock, 2001); it is as if the very experience is covered up by the inability to express it. When pain cannot be named, the experience can seem overwhelming and uncontrollable. Conversely, once shame is identified, it begins to lose power (H.B. Lewis, 1971).

Thankfully, the difficulty of defining shame has not stopped authors from attempting to classify it. Definitions of shame consistently include the element of exposure (Lynd, 1958; Kaufman & Raphael, 1996). Shame exposes a person’s flaws or inferiority (Tangney & Dearing, 2002; Brown, 2004; Kaufman, 1996; Adams & Robinson, 2001). The experience is keenly focused on the self as opposed to behavior (H. B. Lewis, 1971; Lynd, 1958). Because of the inward focus, shame deeply affects the identity and relationships of an individual (Kaufman, 1996; Tangney & Dearing, 2002). Perhaps most significantly, shame includes an aspect of condemnation in which the person deduces that he or she will not be accepted, respected, or loved as they had been before their inferiority had come to light (Brown, 2004; Tangney & Dearing, 2002).

If you find yourself in pain, but without words to help you understand it – it is at least possible that you are experiencing shame. As you ponder your circumstances ask yourself:

• Do I feel exposed?
• Do I feel painfully inferior or flawed?
• Am I focused on what this means about me as a person (versus feeling concern over my behavior or what others might be experiencing)?
• Am I certain that something horrible will happen as a result of who I am?

If so, label the experience as shame, and begin the process of taming the shame (more on this later). In the mean time, what has helped you identify shame in your life?

References

Taming the Shame Handout

For those of you who attended the Taming the Shame workshop, thanks for coming! Despite the fact that we were talking about the horrible experience of shame, you all made it a fun time! I appreciated your input and learned additional words that help to identify shame - which is difficult to describe. In addition, two attendees highlighted the "urge to deceive" as a common response to shame in their lives (in addition to withdrawal, blame, and rage).

To access a PDF of the handout... click here!

Here is a picture Karen Toney took at the workshop (Thanks Karen!).Godspeed and etc.

Upcoming Conference

The Mid-Atlantic Conference for Exodus will be held this week, April 4-6, 2008, during which I will be conducting two workshops.  I'll co-lead a workshop called "Walking it Out with Women" for counselors and ministry leaders coming alongside women who experience same-sex attractions.  Melissa Jo Wilson (MJ) will be my better half in this workshop - she is a beautiful, high-energy woman who has come out of same-sex sexual relationships and emotional dependencies.  

I'm very excited to debut a workshop called "Taming the Shame."  In it, I will describe the phenomenon of shame, I'll talk about why sexuality so easily triggers shame, and I'll offer three strategies to tame the shame we experience.  I have found shame to be pervasive in the lives of those who question their sexual identity or struggle with sexuality in general.  More than that, it seems to be absolutely destructive in their lives.

For more info on the conference click here. See you there!

Welcome

Those of you who know that I am philosophically opposed to blogging may wonder why I have delved into this realm of cultural narcissism.  Others of you may wonder why it took me so long to realize and embrace my true narcissistic identity.  Allow me to explain....No, there is too much.  Let me sum up...

I do not kid myself to think that there are crowds of people "out there" waiting with bated breath to hear my theories on life.  However, at the advice of my technical consultant (my husband), I have opted for a blog over a traditional newsletter.  My hope is to share interesting and helpful tidbits on a variety of relevant topics.  

"Relevant for whom?" you ask.  This can only be decided by you, however, I can tell you that I am interested in (and will thus write on) topics such as relationships, gender, sexual identity, shame, Christian thought and spirituality, and other psychology/counseling-related matters.

I invite conversation around the topics introduced here.  It is through interaction with community that we learn, grow, and change. Humor is encouraged, sarcasm will be tolerated, respect is an absolute must.

Wherever your journey is taking you... Godspeed and etc.